May 16th, 2005

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January 28th, 2005

12:14 pm - Valentine - what a queer I'm at patick's but he's not here. I should mess up his room and download tons of viruses onto his computer. But I won't. Dora the explorer is the best little kids show! and I like the hot lady who sings in the show before Dora. Current Mood: unmotivatated Current Music: Duh duh duh duht duh dora!

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August 24th, 2004

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July 31st, 2004

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June 18th, 2004

11:27 pm - fact #124 : Jay Leno Masturbates. "So you like Jay Leno?" "He's alright." "Just remember....he masturbates." "What?" "Trust me man. The next time you watch Jay Leno remember he masturbates all the time." Haha Double face tape is so fucking up to no good. The last thing I need is to go to bed next to a roll of double faced tape. But for real that stuff is evil good fun! Ingenious dude! I just realized I still need to pay for last semester. Isn't that dandy? OH man!!! fathers day is amazing! Bar BQ!!!! I so happy. Current Mood: amused Current Music: Aimee Mann - humpty dumpty

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June 17th, 2004

05:19 pm - I'm quiting all those private entries...read it...why should I write things that personal anyway? Ok so i went to Primus last night with Vik and Santose Penns Landing - Festival Pier Amazing dude! Not just the concert the entire atmosphere b.f bridge all cloaked in fog the fireworks afterwards Getting to hang out with Vik the rain and the people I had become this Introverted creature Last night changed my mood Maybe this year isn't going to fall out as much as I assumed maybe it is and I'm just too blind up here on cloud nine More rain is coming I'm estimating another three four minutes before the thunder starts grrrr....I love the rain!!!! I think I love thunder more!!!! yep I do! Vik is going on this huge road trip around the U.S. I would kill to go on a trip like that Right now I'm glad glad that I'm not whoring around anymore Not a single guy or girl on my plate Just me and my summer reading list / I think I'm ready to have a real relationship now like where you depend on one another where you hold hands in public and it's not some kind of secret But I'm going to wait... People say being single isn't always great but there's two kinds the whore with five names and nameless guys and the librarian who lives without flirting I'm going to be the librarian for a while I'm going to curl up with my books and enjoy the next month or so let my head clear up a bit and go from there See if anything is still the same see if anything is forgotten, forgiven, remembered, or dead. Or anyone for that matter. Vik says he's going to write postcards to all of us stay-at-home travelers I'm looking forward to getting them haha like from utah...who goes to utah? and then I'll be sitting on the porch reading a postcard from Utah like it's normal...haha I'm too excited Aimee Mann is going to be at the TLA next week. I think I might talk Dena into going with me. I really want to go but nobody likes her music :( bummer. Maybe Meredith will go. Tara wants to go to the fez tomorrow but I forgot to buy tickets and I'm poor and don't feel like putting anymore purchases on my credit card, cause I know I won't have the money when I need it. OH an the rain seems to have disappeared...and the sun is now peeking out...that makes me tear like for real, not box at all....man out and smash it into fucking pieces!!!! I need to buy the Primus cd and the Avail cd that I lost...it's such a bummer but whateva Current Mood: awake Current Music: Strike Anywhere -

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June 16th, 2004

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May 20th, 2004

04:16 pm - I'm traveling like I promised only not with those promised My life has been crazy the past while... I'm totally ignoring the bad in this post because it still really gets me at a bad angle. Recap of my summer travels so far: Rhode Island last week. Fun time. Met some cool people who lost their R's.....I called this girl Tayla for the week, but her name is Taylor. She told me it was Tayla. ...or she's from Rhode Island! Beautiful weather up there! And the people are all so friendly. Virginia the week before - That was boring but gorgeous. I was in the really upper class parts. I got back from Baltimore last night around 8. I didn't see much of Maryland, nor did I want to, but they have this up-scale supermarket called Eddies, (kinda like Weis only nicer) that has the most delicious fresh baked, oatmeal raisin cookies!!! (only 6 bucks for a dozen! sarcasm) Unforgettable Semester: January & February was off to a slow start but I had that adorable Mr, who's no longer with me to keep it going. I was sick most of the time but I found time to have an awesome birthday party thrown by my awesome friends Leah, Kristin, and Christina. My new roommate, Gina, who rocks!!!! or did rock and still does only she isn't my roommate anymore cause it's summer. And then March was the main Bad Angle so shhhh on March. April - - Strike Anywhere concert at the Knitting Factory and spending my first time in NY with Mer!! and chillin with Vik for a little! - Mer and I deciding there should be streams seperating traffic on all major highways. "Dude when I die I wanna go like that!" - Nitch playing in the MPR...hot hot hot - hehe - Easy-pass passing on the Jersey Turnpike! NY to North Philly in an hour and 40 minutes!!! - Glass throwing with Mer onto the freeway. Don't worry no cars were seriously injured during these events. - Jay and I got to know eachother. Well I got to find out alot about who he really is opposed to the person I thought he was when we were just sorta friends. He's a cool guy. Just not the guy I can share things with or really want to be my right hand -sorry. May - - Bouncing Souls and Avail on the 12th with Mer and Joe. Met this dude who's worth mentioning only I forget his name. -Finding out that there is more than one bar on south street with a back door that doesn't card...there's actually 3! Not that I was drinking. -MMM - I have to remember to get back to the Hard Bean Cafe...that place is box. -Haha the text messages I recieved from patrick while I was in Rhode Island!!!! haha gotta love that kid and his timing....picture waking up on this god awful bed from this god awful dream to see that you've got 4 messages on your phone from the guy you're obsessing over at 4:30 in the morning only to find out that he's writing to tell you what a whore you are....hahaha no it wasn't that nice! and while I'm remembering that I should make a mental note not to ever follow Meredith to Royersford again. hahaha oh man I laugh but I'm crying inside I swear I am. -the phone call from Patrick Coryel the same day Partick text messaged me...."Hi this is Patrick can I...." "What do you want Patrick I really don't have the energy to talk.... Oh Mr. Croyel from the INhuman Society (the representative for the company interested in giving me a writing scholarship) How are you doing?" hahahaha I'm an asshole!! - losing my voice with a line out the door - each individual waiting to have a full conversation with the representative.aka me. hahaha I'm an asshole!!! no bad angels! - For now I'm just waiting around to get more paid from my last dropoff and for my voice to come back. I have work at annenberg this weekend so I'll be in the area. My Dad's in the Hospital for the next week...it's got me all nervous but he says he's ok. Only it's a serious surgery and I hate watching my Dad dwindle away so much. He's gone from Same Ole Dad to Old Foagie so quickly. I saw it happen in just a couple months. But I said I wasn't going to bring up the Bad Angles remember? My Sisters 21st Birthday is June 7th and I have to plan something for her. Hopefully it will be a good day for her. She deserves it. I heart her! Upcoming events: -Ben Folds opens for guster I believe in mid July!!! -The Roots and 311!!!! -Primus June 16th? perhaps. -Liberty, Art, & Culture seminar at Bryn Mawr College on July 17-23. -I start tennis june 28th :( if I decide to go back to that hell of a summer job. I might just work for Annenberg and travel all summer instead of just May and June. That would be awesome. I may even go to California for a week or two and hit up my aunt and uncle, maybe proposition a babysitting fiesta to get some cash money. I'll be planning at least one weekend to go to the shore - Ocean City most likely. And the mountain house of my aunts is empty all summer . It's half way between here and long island so I might throw a get together just to see some of the new yorkers that I miss so much already and Mer and I will rock it- but I digress. -Reading Phillies game the night of the 23rd for Christina's birthday perhaps...I haven't spoken with her in quite a while. It may no longer be on the table. -Hershey Park with Nate and co. -Dena and I need to recap...I miss her thiiis much still. Other than that the book is well it's an open one. Current Mood: calm Current Music: Him - Solitary...

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April 16th, 2004

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April 14th, 2004

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March 27th, 2004

03:59 am - Mulligan I'd do it right That's what I thought (A second chance) Until I caught * - one yesterday I saw My future, bet dipped in regret like pawns to chips Advice - taken from the statistician and the odd man's premonition No- I want to deal The perfect hand, for you to understand there's more than one Oh, the fool can play. But would she care to stay Forbid it be some other day? Watch the die drop from your fist your breathe grows limp just like your wrist We threw it all to fate - But who prays to her these days? Your deck, your rules, your life My turn. Current Mood: crazy Current Music: Ritter Cd

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March 24th, 2004

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February 24th, 2004

04:33 pm See what drug you are. Liz, thanks for the quiz I stole. I'm cold and it's snowing! And gina keeps screaming into her phone " Frankly, they can go fuck themselves. You know what Pat you have to cut out all the bad people in your life. They can go fuck themselves. I'm not saying they're all bad, but they can go fuck themselves." and my suitemate yamarias is blasting that song Baby if you give it to me...I have that ring on my cell phone. It rocks! A little bit anyway. I'm drinking Ice tea that was water until I fixed it. My mints aren't poison but that's what it says on the lid. My fingers are icebergs. Gina keeps screaming for pat to grow up...I don't ever wanna grow up. Her conversation is depressing me. Dena is the shizzit and I miss her THHHHHHHHHHHHHIIIIIIIIIISSSS much. I said that to Grant and he got freaked out. It's all good I'm going to get under the covers and warm up because it's cold as can be. Bye bye

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February 22nd, 2004

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February 14th, 2004

12:33 am - This week : This week was so crazy. Monday I got a letter handed to me personally (from RA Dave) saying that I had 24 hours to come up with just under 7 grand. I had no idea where to get help or what to do. I cried because I hate Penn State but I love college. I know that if I leave now I'm never going back. It's a once in a century oppurtunity. I'm too young to worry about college in ten more years. So I skipped class and drank for the first time with Christina, Matt, Grant, Kim, and Kristin. Totally awesome crew. But that class was an important one and I need to do well this semester considering last Decembers events I refer to as my Mulligan. (Only it wasn't thrown away -it just kind of sits there all pathetic and obvious) Tuesday morning rolls around and I still haven't gone to sleep. It's 6:30 already so I hang in and piss off my sleep cycle. Get down to the Library, finish a paper for creative writing, research my obnoxiously broad compsci topic and stare at the poor kids trudging over to Franco for an 8am language class. Ask me again why I speak no Spanish. After Creative Writing I return my Nana's phone call from earlier to get the nitty gritty on my families 'situation' as she so inventively labeled it. Apparently my father kicked my brother out of the house after a bloody screaming/throwing match. My father's sister(my aunt) bitched out my mother for being a bad influence and not having her shit together. And my father 'cut off ties with my aunt after my mother (who "left" my father fifty times so far) goes to him and cries about how Colleen is horrible and had no right to say what she did. She had every right to say something. Bitch mom deserved it. Not that I think Kell should get away with his actions towards my dad, but my mom is fucked up. After I got off the phone with Nana, looking forward to some much needed rest, I walked from Franco back to my dorm. As I walked into my hall my Aunt calls me. She spoke to Nana and thought I might be in trouble financially so she called the bursars office to check. Now she wants me to log into my account and pay 7 grand to PennState off of her credit card. Alright stop....What kind of whackjob randomly has 7 grand on a credit card just lying around waiting to be wasted??? I had to go to my aunt, which was cool, aside from my fathers pride. She's got the money and it's like a loan with no interest. My dad sees it as me going to her because I'm on her side and against him. That's my dad. After I told him he wouldn't talk to me - well he cursed me out and probably would have beaten me had I been home...perk #1 to living in a dorm. A whole bunch of random occurs until 12ish, but no sleep. Around 12 I started to drink away my troubles all by myself. This was after the shitty ass phone calls from Patrick. He's turned into such an ass. He calls to hang up. He says 'hey' all sad and then says 'well if you don't having anything to say' in this mocking tone and then says 'I guess I should go'. So I rudely respond with 'fine bye' and hang up as fast as I can. What does he expect? I'm sick of him like mushroom pizza (they're both so early 90s acid rock depression minus the hallucinations and the sex). So as I said I sat in my bed and drank alone... No sleep, but not tired. Wednesday - whoa my aunts heart starts doing something not right and she's rushed to the hospital. And I'm like shit! It's my fault because I got my dad mad at her when she's trying to help. It's not her fault she married a jew - and a bancruptcy lawyer - all in one. But I'm in class Wednesdays from 2:30-5:20 and then I have another class at 6...the class I skipped on Monday. I get my test back - 90...eh. Then I get out at 8:35 and go right back to my dorm to sleep. Nope. My rooomate is crying and three of her friends are consoling and watching bachlorette at the same time. They finally leave and I fall asleep around 11. Thursday I wake up and shower around 10 and just make it to my creative writing class at Franco by 12:15. After that I went to tullys ate and chatted it up with Christina, Nik, Jay and Jose...who's so cute. Then tried to catch up for my poets in america class but ended up skipping the class at 6:45. Instead I went to Leah's room and drank with the same crew minus kim and plus parker...who kicks ass!!! Leah's mom and sister came by and I couldn't pick myself up off the floor. The lack of sleep that week and the surplus of rum was too much for me to handle at that moment. Her mom was cool though. I went back to my room around 1am and Gina was awake which was cool because I didn't worry about waking her. I went online and my sister told me.... My dad was rushed to the hospital and has a severe liver problem. I started to cry and called Patrick for support but he hates my dad and he was too busy not caring about me because in all honesty I am a terrible friend. So I talked on the phone with this random kid Daniel who's coming up on Tuesday to fuck. But I was way drunk and he just kept talking while Gina and I watched a movie about highschool kids...it was a good movie and you'd know the name but I can't remember it now. I fell asleep around 2:30 and slept until 7:30 and then went to take my Test all gross and unshowered and still a little buzzedish, but not hungover. Then I called my Nana and cried about my dad...which is something I've never done before. Now I want to avoid my Nana because it was beyond awkward. Good thing Nana's in Florida until April. After my test which Leah kept fucking interupting because she has a problem doing her own work, I found out she and Christina were skipping compsci and so were matt and mike. Which meant I was left sitting in the corner by myself right in front of the entire hockey team...INCLUDING JUSTIN...fuck you! Worse was when Justin had to give his presentation because the lack of attendence left the first two rows open aside from ME -just me!!! Oh how I love Christina and Leah right now. So we kept making eye contact which sucked. But his presentation went well so yay for him. I also got a rose from Meredith and a hug from Nik and met his cutiepie girlfriend who is going to be my best friend by Monday because she's so cool. Then my sister and my brothers came to pick me up and I watched 8mile while I waited. Home at last I'm going to go finish 8mile and go to bed. Oh Yeah, Happy Valetines Day. Current Mood: sad Current Music: My monitor buzzing intermittenly

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February 4th, 2004

11:59 pm - I need yoga to release my inner brat Need someone everyones taken - preoccupied and disguised Talk sounded cheap 215; 610; 267; 570 Roaming In search of more minutes and free advice from fake tellers and automated machines I'm alone in this cellar with my self and my words Answers come from wired ceilings and walls and dissappear when I look for the ground Answers of mine aren't leveled or square They're jagged and fluffy and float off to nowhere Just to get under my skin. Well good news mother fucker ...it worked.I don't want trouble any longer. It's what you want I will pine - where exactly did I get to Shucks...I had such a crush. Sick of the disgust thats always here People act friendly until they turn queer Hey there my buddy, my friend so I thought Respond and held quilty, then tied in a knot They live their lives which involve others too But what they aren't saying is they were not true In my memory and a cuddle that's all I've got left I'm sick and I'm tired and you're proud of that theft I wish you were here to talk to and remember but if you come close I'll surely dismember a box filled with gold and I want it to burn You were my favorite, then I never returned But that was a lie, You didn't forgive When you said that you did I'm sorry I lost you I'm sorry you're mad I will not ignore you but I will let you go Current Mood: crushed Current Music: Zepelin - The song remains the same I

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January 25th, 2004

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January 15th, 2004

09:29 pm - Hi. My name is Caeli. I like you more than I like granny smith. Hey there! Patrick walked me threw my viruses and they're all gone! Yay!!! Now I'm into classes again and I'm so super busy. But I love all my classes. I'm going to have to find another loan if I want to stay in college, But I might go to ccp over the summer for photography courses which would save me a lot of trouble. It will also give me the chance to save up some money and get rid of some debt before loading on 30 grand. I don't like thinking about money - it makes me feel a.) too grown up (which I sooo am not) and b.) like a total snob because worrying about money is shit. But I'm not going back to my parents - not even if I hit rock bottom again- I was wrong to burden them with all this junk in the first place and I feel like crap for being such a spoiled brat. Over all though, I'm happy - Genuinely happy - really not fakely. I'm happy. It's weird. I like how I'm all alone at the moment and I like being a naive person. I'm enjoying the way people are helping me with my problems - telling me where to go and what to do. I like not feeling lost anymore. This whole winter vacation I was so lost and confused and I didn't think I'd be going back to school I was so depressed because anyone who knows me knows that school is my life. But now I can do handle it! yay! I know what to do and how to take charge and I like this feeling of confidence, even though I'm totally inexperienced. I'm going to write my character sketch about a guy named milton who rubs his hands together when he gets nervous. Milton's a grandfather whose children and grandchildren deliberately ignore his existence. Only not all of them. His youngest daughter takes on the responsiblity of caring for him now that he's too old to do everyday things like wash the sheets and brush his dentures. However, his youngest daughter has issues of her own. Issue # 1: she's a martyr who hates her father and is only taking charge so that she can complain and rub it in that she's a saint. She's no saint. She doesn't even go to church - but she prays occassionally in front of her youngest son to look like a real mom - she doesn't realize that her other children resent her for trying to be a mom now that it's too late because all but one is grown up - she has never been a good mother and no matter how hard she tries she will never become one. The story will focus on the tension and relationship between Milton, his daughter and Milton's one granddaughter. Milton's grandaughter pities Milton to the point where she plots to murder her mother because of the way she treats and disrespects her own helpless father. Milton's granddaughter resents her mother - she knows that if she were to act that way towards her own parents she'd be beaten senseless - it's happened before for reason less compelling. So why is it that her mother can be so cruel to a man who has supported her and cared for her since she was born? She watches her grandfather try to help and get bitched at for being in the way. She watches him as he sits on the side of the bed too weak and feeble to stand as his daughter tears at his pride and humiliates him in front of his family. She feels his embarassment and sees how hurt he is and how old he is. Given that she must share a room with him and her two brothers she's heard him cry out at night and she's heard him whimpering in his bed and she can hear him as he tries so hard to keep from coughing in the night, terrified of waking his keeper, his beloved daughter. Milton's grand daughter weeps silently in the night with him and her cheeks turn the same shade of Irish red when he's sitting on the bed next to a broken glass getting chastized by her evil mother. Milton's granddaughter cherishes her family but watching these scenes everyday she grows more and more irrate and her fantasies of all the witty and sarcastic remarks she could say to shut her mother up are getting more and more irrational within her own mind. But she never gets involved and she never says anything about it because she's afraid of getting hit. Finally Milton's grand daughter snaps. Well that's my initial thought I'll fix it later. Current Mood: happy Current Music: Copper - freckle

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December 23rd, 2003

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December 3rd, 2003

12:28 am - whoa I'm feeling bad today If I tell you you'll judge me. So I'll just walk away with my eyes towards the grass; the green, green, accepting grass. It's blades aren't like yours; And It has no eyes to look past mine. Our paths don't cross because I make it so. My refuge comes with solitude that you are high above. Above the ground you walk on - Above me and my loneliness. Above the attention I give you - Above the attention I long for from you. Relapse? I think that's a good analysis of the above. However, more dire to your knowledge of the strange and unpredictable ways of me: I, Caeli Durkin, sister of Taralis, Maxwell and Julian Durkin; do swear on my own much desired death that The Gap hired me. I did not beg or plead or cry or cheat. They called me back on their own and offered me seven dollars an hour to fold and smile and listen to funky music (lately christmas music), while selling clothes and Gap cards and candles and coats with cell phone holders and ski clips(whatever that means). On a tangential note: I'm tired of being labeled the white girl from philly and the girl who likes other girls and the only virgin who isn't avidly religious up here at berks. I'm tired of being labeled. Fuck you all. You're fucking losers and I wouldn't even start to skim the surface of what's really bothering me righ now to you. I just need to say that you're ignorant. Ignorant for thinking you don't need me. Ignorant for passing judgement on me. Ignorant for believing I would trust you enough to let you see who I really am. I'm not naive - I'm an actress. I'm passing judgement on you because I've accepted my own ignorance. You've wasted the worst of you and thrown it out on me. You were cool people. I wasn't judging; Just flowing. Then you had to use me to make yourselves look better - shinier, newer, debonair and intellectual. Theologians! - all of you! You don't know me! So don't use me. I'm not yours. I'm not looking for someone to treat me like a child by tending to my rhudimentary needs and covering my ears when grown-up peoples are trying to hold a conversation. If you must know, I am looking for the perfect solitude where I can disappear realistically and not lose what I've learned about reality. That is my quest point blank. The knowledge I've gained here is worth more a thousand lectures on civil rights and equal oppurtunity and much more important than anything I'd ever read or be taught in a class. At the risk of sounding like amos - Thank you Ignorance for showing me such blissful truth through your eager masses. Current Mood: amused Current Music: Cake - sad songs and waltzes

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