May 16th, 2005
I regret the things I do and have done, most of all I regret this
January 28th, 2005
|12:14 pm - Valentine - what a queer|
I'm at patick's but he's not here.
I should mess up his room and download tons of viruses onto his computer.
But I won't.
Dora the explorer is the best little kids show! and I like the hot lady who sings in the show before Dora.
Current Mood: unmotivatated
Current Music: Duh duh duh duht duh dora!
August 24th, 2004
|11:23 pm - We all know that Art is not truth. Art ..|
..is a lie that makes us realize the truth, at least the truth that is given to us to understand. - Pablo Picaso
I was hanging out tonight and I realized I'm a hideous person.
I guess I always new it but just didn't think about it.
But I'm really ugly plus
I'm a snob
And a horrible kisser
never into mirrors
as you would into the soul
of a painting
Stare at features
stare at halves
matched like the gloves
of an orphan
wearing socks over shoes
to keep out the cold
for a purpose
for a purpose
don't feel right
but Picaso was a genius
Looking into a reflection
the art of lying
his only way of showing truth
See what I've seen
pretend not to know
allow me to live
and not cling to the walls
while lacking the grace of
The Dream, to think
a woman so lacking could dream
of course she was a painting
Things I've been seeing
When I look I see her
and then I see me.
The truth that he spoke of
the lies uglier.
Please stop looking
while I'm not looking
Cause I'm always looking
and I know what you're seeing
And I wish to stop looking
Because I'm not a painting.
gosh I wish my sister were here
to tell me I'm being a whiny selfish bitch and I need to get over myself.
I love it when she responds by rolling her eyes and saying " Caitie, I lover you."
or "Cakey, you're my favoritest sister."
Not too reassuring, especially coming from a gorgeous girl like her, but I do love her lots and lots.
Current Mood: Sealed and framed
July 31st, 2004
|03:09 pm - Blah Blah Blah, why bother.|
Huge change in plans.
I'm writing as if my life depended on it.
It's all thanks to jared and that crazy seminar.
Julian's production yesterday, "The Jacksons" was so adorable. He had this blonde cutie as a partner who was not into dancing on stage, but they didn't forget their moves and they were the littlest ones out there! so cute!
I hung out with Barber + Natalie that was different goodtimes but fun
and her wawa boy isn't a typical dumb wawa boy, he's funny and talks!
I've got another short story underway and I'm loving it from top to bottom but the other day patrick asked about his christmas present so everytime I go to write I want to fix up that one instead- I don't think I can give it to him. But we'll see.
Boston the 19th!
I'm so excited.
But I kind of miss New York.
Knitting factory, subways that don't run, bronx at two in the morning
It'll be a shame to move off the east coast.
My sister will be home from Miami in two days and she'll be here for, I think, four days before she flies back to California. I hate missing her so much because she's going to be so far away and I never get to see her when she's here as it is.
Blah my entire family has dissintigrated.
I've seen Max a total of four times all summer. He's completely turned into a suburbian asshole who gives attitude for having to take out the trash. HE has people who come once a week to dust and organize the basement so that he can play his drums and his videogames in a clean room. And my aunt says it's fair after the way he had to grow up. He's a prick who deserves to have a belt smashed across his ass a few times. I go to my Aunts and walk down just to say 'hi' and after not seeing me or julian for weeks he says "shut the door. I don't want j.d. to come down and annoy me.'
That's got me so fumed.
well I'm not perfect either.
Not at all.
Back to school in 27days.
Merediths big party is on the 13th. I might actually go. I want to see if I can still have fun. I don't think I can. Or at least not that kind of fun, but we'll see.
Current Music: Teen Titans theme song
June 18th, 2004
|11:27 pm - fact #124 : Jay Leno Masturbates.|
"So you like Jay Leno?"
"Just remember....he masturbates."
"Trust me man. The next time you watch Jay Leno remember he masturbates all the time."
Double face tape is so fucking up to no good. The last thing I need is to go to bed next to a roll of double faced tape. But for real that stuff is evil good fun! Ingenious dude!
I just realized I still need to pay for last semester. Isn't that dandy? OH man!!! fathers day is amazing! Bar BQ!!!! I so happy.
Current Mood: amused
Current Music: Aimee Mann - humpty dumpty
June 17th, 2004
|05:19 pm - I'm quiting all those private entries...read it...why should I write things that personal anyway?|
Ok so i went to Primus last night with Vik and Santose
Penns Landing - Festival Pier
Not just the concert
the entire atmosphere
b.f bridge all cloaked in fog
the fireworks afterwards
Getting to hang out with Vik
the rain and the people
I had become this Introverted creature
Last night changed my mood
Maybe this year isn't going to fall out as much as I assumed
maybe it is and I'm just too blind up here on cloud nine
More rain is coming
I'm estimating another three four minutes before the thunder starts
grrrr....I love the rain!!!! I think I love thunder more!!!!
yep I do!
Vik is going on this huge road trip around the U.S.
I would kill to go on a trip like that
Right now I'm glad
glad that I'm not whoring around anymore
Not a single guy or girl on my plate
Just me and my summer reading list
I think I'm ready to have a real relationship now
like where you depend on one another
where you hold hands in public and it's not some kind of secret
But I'm going to wait...
People say being single isn't always great
but there's two kinds
the whore with five names and nameless guys
and the librarian who lives without flirting
I'm going to be the librarian for a while
I'm going to curl up with my books and enjoy the next month or so
let my head clear up a bit
and go from there
See if anything is still the same
see if anything is forgotten,
Or anyone for that matter.
Vik says he's going to write postcards to all of us stay-at-home travelers
I'm looking forward to getting them
haha like from utah...who goes to utah? and then I'll be sitting on the porch reading a postcard from Utah like it's normal...haha I'm too excited
Aimee Mann is going to be at the TLA next week. I think I might talk Dena into going with me. I really want to go but nobody likes her music :( bummer. Maybe Meredith will go.
Tara wants to go to the fez tomorrow but I forgot to buy tickets and I'm poor and don't feel like putting anymore purchases on my credit card, cause I know I won't have the money when I need it.
OH an the rain seems to have disappeared...and the sun is now peeking out...that makes me tear like for real, not box at all....man out and smash it into fucking pieces!!!!
I need to buy the Primus cd and the Avail cd that I lost...it's such a bummer but whateva
Current Mood: awake
Current Music: Strike Anywhere -
June 16th, 2004
|01:50 pm - thinking out loud|
Penns Landing in the pouring rain.
It was just what I needed.
The rain water mixed with the chlorine
and my tears.
It's like all my past regressions
pouring out of me
this chic, little miss lady,
tells me it's because I repress my emotions
I've hit the point where I can't control them
So now they've taken control of me.
I cry at a blister
I break windows because it's sunny
I laugh at stop signs
I'm psyco -
Little Miss Lady wants me to write letters to people
four letters, four reasons, four people
Honesty is hard
but who doesn't know that already
I've stopped writing all together
I gave up
nothing inspires me anymore
I have no reason to write, or do anything anymore
I stopped going to my classes, I've missed two already
Maybe I"ll get back on track
Maybe that's what I really want
I've stopped drinking
I don't go out at all anymore
emails are as far as it goes
beyond the party at Merediths
I was only there for one purpose
I feel as though I'm falling
like I've hit rock bottom; the ground beneath me is falling
Miss Lady thinks she's so smart
She thinks writing letters makes things better
but then you just worry about how the people
respond to the hard, straight truth
I'm not sending them.
Just writing them
I don't even know the addresses for most of them
Miss lady just wanted me to write them so I would see the truth for myself
LIke it was hiding from me even though I was the only one who knew what the truth was
She is smart, little Miss Lady
Or She's got the right instructions
I wrote a letter to Eileen...she came first because it was easy because the truth wasn't the hard
I should have saved her for last because now that I'm opened up I feel like I could write letters to everyone in my life and still that wouldn't be enough
It's scary...like the truth is about to attack me from inside
I don't know who else to write to
I don't know who else cares
who I care about
besides my siblings I'm at a loss
I could write to christina, but that letter would never end
I could write to Timmy, but we haven't spoke in almost 7months, why go back?
MAybe Dena, or better Angela...now that would just be opening old wounds
I want to just forget all the people I've fucked over
I don't want to write letters that are going to show how ugly I am
Maybe I won't
To hell with Miss Lady and her smart instruction booklet
I don't want to share
I need a vail that will cover my face
the more mysterious you look, the less approachable you become
"Thank You For Not Sharing"
Mer is getting her Tonsils out today
Primus is Tonight
well it's not raining anymore
Current Mood: disgusted
Current Music: warped tour stage 2 cd
May 20th, 2004
|04:16 pm - I'm traveling like I promised only not with those promised|
My life has been crazy the past while...
I'm totally ignoring the bad in this post because it still really gets me at a bad angle.
Recap of my summer travels so far:
Rhode Island last week. Fun time. Met some cool people who lost their R's.....I called this girl Tayla for the week, but her name is Taylor. She told me it was Tayla. ...or she's from Rhode Island! Beautiful weather up there! And the people are all so friendly.
Virginia the week before - That was boring but gorgeous. I was in the really upper class parts.
I got back from Baltimore last night around 8. I didn't see much of Maryland, nor did I want to, but they have this up-scale supermarket called Eddies, (kinda like Weis only nicer) that has the most delicious fresh baked, oatmeal raisin cookies!!! (only 6 bucks for a dozen! sarcasm)
January & February was off to a slow start but I had that adorable Mr, who's no longer with me to keep it going. I was sick most of the time but I found time to have an awesome birthday party thrown by my awesome friends Leah, Kristin, and Christina.
My new roommate, Gina, who rocks!!!! or did rock and still does only she isn't my roommate anymore cause it's summer.
And then March was the main Bad Angle so shhhh on March.
- Strike Anywhere concert at the Knitting Factory and spending my first time in NY with Mer!! and chillin with Vik for a little!
- Mer and I deciding there should be streams seperating traffic on all major highways. "Dude when I die I wanna go like that!"
- Nitch playing in the MPR...hot hot hot
- hehe - Easy-pass passing on the Jersey Turnpike! NY to North Philly in an hour and 40 minutes!!!
- Glass throwing with Mer onto the freeway. Don't worry no cars were seriously injured during these events.
- Jay and I got to know eachother. Well I got to find out alot about who he really is opposed to the person I thought he was when we were just sorta friends. He's a cool guy. Just not the guy I can share things with or really want to be my right hand -sorry.
- Bouncing Souls and Avail on the 12th with Mer and Joe. Met this dude who's worth mentioning only I forget his name.
-Finding out that there is more than one bar on south street with a back door that doesn't card...there's actually 3! Not that I was drinking.
-MMM - I have to remember to get back to the Hard Bean Cafe...that place is box.
-Haha the text messages I recieved from patrick while I was in Rhode Island!!!! haha gotta love that kid and his timing....picture waking up on this god awful bed from this god awful dream to see that you've got 4 messages on your phone from the guy you're obsessing over at 4:30 in the morning only to find out that he's writing to tell you what a whore you are....hahaha no it wasn't that nice! and while I'm remembering that I should make a mental note not to ever follow Meredith to Royersford again. hahaha oh man I laugh but I'm crying inside I swear I am.
-the phone call from Patrick Coryel the same day Partick text messaged me...."Hi this is Patrick can I...." "What do you want Patrick I really don't have the energy to talk.... Oh Mr. Croyel from the INhuman Society (the representative for the company interested in giving me a writing scholarship) How are you doing?" hahahaha I'm an asshole!!
- losing my voice with a line out the door - each individual waiting to have a full conversation with the representative.aka me. hahaha I'm an asshole!!!
no bad angels!
For now I'm just waiting around to get more paid from my last dropoff and for my voice to come back. I have work at annenberg this weekend so I'll be in the area.
My Dad's in the Hospital for the next week...it's got me all nervous but he says he's ok. Only it's a serious surgery and I hate watching my Dad dwindle away so much. He's gone from Same Ole Dad to Old Foagie so quickly. I saw it happen in just a couple months. But I said I wasn't going to bring up the Bad Angles remember?
My Sisters 21st Birthday is June 7th and I have to plan something for her. Hopefully it will be a good day for her. She deserves it. I heart her!
-Ben Folds opens for guster I believe in mid July!!!
-The Roots and 311!!!!
-Primus June 16th? perhaps.
-Liberty, Art, & Culture seminar at Bryn Mawr College on July 17-23.
-I start tennis june 28th :( if I decide to go back to that hell of a summer job. I might just work for Annenberg and travel all summer instead of just May and June. That would be awesome. I may even go to California for a week or two and hit up my aunt and uncle, maybe proposition a babysitting fiesta to get some cash money. I'll be planning at least one weekend to go to the shore - Ocean City most likely. And the mountain house of my aunts is empty all summer . It's half way between here and long island so I might throw a get together just to see some of the new yorkers that I miss so much already and Mer and I will rock it- but I digress.
-Reading Phillies game the night of the 23rd for Christina's birthday perhaps...I haven't spoken with her in quite a while. It may no longer be on the table.
-Hershey Park with Nate and co.
-Dena and I need to recap...I miss her thiiis much still.
Other than that the book is well it's an open one.
Current Mood: calm
Current Music: Him - Solitary...
April 16th, 2004
|02:51 am - Don't bounce so hi...or you'll get lost|
This poem means alot to me and I totally wrote it as an apology eventhough I know that it isn't enough. So please be considerate.
He Wants a Blockbuster
I am no feature film
Able to be rewound & paused;
fast forward and my colors would wear; our time together
becoming nothing but a beautiful chaos of sunset,
rainbowed through the stain-glass window of my mind.
My life’s still trapped on this screen that follows me through
scene to scene.
Too fast you’re reeling me in. I lose track of the autumns;
Winters pass by like action packed fight scenes:
blazing fires, screeching tires, no safety nets.
You forget our relationship, as screenwriter to director, is still PG.
Out of sequence scenes tangle the theme and the moral fails
to impact our mindless hearts, when in reality they’d crash.
I cannot be rewritten, rewound, recast.
Remember that our memories were live –
no retakes, no costumes, no plagiarized
Please, don’t edit our past,
Just to fit the sound track
'Some for that' I stole the basics, more or less, from my friend jay...an awesome poet and freestyle artist! And it was an assignment more than anything so tear away at this crap piece.
Some For That
I hug girls and hold tight while they shake
Fast. They kiss their hips, curve lips and
catch my eye. They catch sharp vibes
They swing soft. Lashes that bite like dogs.
(sharp they fight and aim for the throat)
Tough leather smoothed skin – they’re red hot
Wanting to cool they’ll surprise even you.
“Hey boy! Watch this!” They turn and tease
hair sways, swoops-jives-grooves to the beat.
They sweep the floor silk like lingerie
Keep it real, move your feet, know how
when you feel – feel hard – hear bass signal drum
Your heal, her toe, One two, Two one
‘Cause Mackin is art – all body, no heart.
Call out her game, like rocks throw shame
Don’t be proud – girls live in plastic clouds
Thinking she isn’t ruined – she’s got you to bruise
You rock the beat boy! You be the thug!
Current Mood: we all know the answer
Current Music: Joss Stone
April 14th, 2004
|02:32 am - the decade to be me|
anything I don't regret I don't ever do
but i've never regreted anything like you
I miss you so much
and I feel stupid letting people know I'm weak
but there's no way I'm going to make it over you without being dragged
I hate myself every night
and I haven't slept in weeks all I do is lie there miserable
and that's the only thing I deserve
I'm so sorry I hurt you
and I want you back so you can hurt me to
Current Music: L.oVe I hate you swinging utters