To error is Human

leftoverluck @ 2005-05-16T15:41:00

2005-05-16T19:35:57Z

I regret the things I do and have done, most of all I regret this

Valentine - what a queer

2005-01-28T17:28:33Z

I'm at patick's but he's not here.
I should mess up his room and download tons of viruses onto his computer.
But I won't.

Dora the explorer is the best little kids show! and I like the hot lady who sings in the show before Dora.

We all know that Art is not truth. Art ..

2004-08-25T04:16:09Z

..is a lie that makes us realize the truth, at least the truth that is given to us to understand. - Pablo Picaso
I was hanging out tonight and I realized I'm a hideous person.
I guess I always new it but just didn't think about it.
But I'm really ugly plus
I'm a snob
And a horrible kisser
and..

Look
never into mirrors
as you would into the soul
of a painting

Stare at features
stare at halves
matched like the gloves
of an orphan
wearing socks over shoes
to keep out the cold
for a purpose
for a purpose
don't feel right
but Picaso was a genius

Looking into a reflection
So lacking,
never
the art of lying
his only way of showing truth

See what I've seen
pretend not to know
allow me to live
and not cling to the walls
while lacking the grace of
The Dream, to think
a woman so lacking could dream
of course she was a painting
never seeing
Things I've been seeing
When I look I see her
and then I see me.
The truth that he spoke of
was ugly,
the lies uglier.
So
Please stop looking
while I'm not looking
Cause I'm always looking
and I know what you're seeing
And I wish to stop looking
Because I'm not a painting.

gosh I wish my sister were here
to tell me I'm being a whiny selfish bitch and I need to get over myself.
I love it when she responds by rolling her eyes and saying " Caitie, I lover you."
or "Cakey, you're my favoritest sister."
Not too reassuring, especially coming from a gorgeous girl like her, but I do love her lots and lots.

Blah Blah Blah, why bother.

2004-07-31T20:11:57Z

Huge change in plans.
I'm writing as if my life depended on it.
It's all thanks to jared and that crazy seminar.

Julian's production yesterday, "The Jacksons" was so adorable. He had this blonde cutie as a partner who was not into dancing on stage, but they didn't forget their moves and they were the littlest ones out there! so cute!

I hung out with Barber + Natalie that was different goodtimes but fun
and her wawa boy isn't a typical dumb wawa boy, he's funny and talks!

I've got another short story underway and I'm loving it from top to bottom but the other day patrick asked about his christmas present so everytime I go to write I want to fix up that one instead- I don't think I can give it to him. But we'll see.

Boston the 19th!
I'm so excited.
But I kind of miss New York.
Knitting factory, subways that don't run, bronx at two in the morning
godawful goodtimes.
It'll be a shame to move off the east coast.

My sister will be home from Miami in two days and she'll be here for, I think, four days before she flies back to California. I hate missing her so much because she's going to be so far away and I never get to see her when she's here as it is.
Blah my entire family has dissintigrated.
I've seen Max a total of four times all summer. He's completely turned into a suburbian asshole who gives attitude for having to take out the trash. HE has people who come once a week to dust and organize the basement so that he can play his drums and his videogames in a clean room. And my aunt says it's fair after the way he had to grow up. He's a prick who deserves to have a belt smashed across his ass a few times. I go to my Aunts and walk down just to say 'hi' and after not seeing me or julian for weeks he says "shut the door. I don't want j.d. to come down and annoy me.'

That's got me so fumed.

well I'm not perfect either.

Not at all.

Back to school in 27days.

Merediths big party is on the 13th. I might actually go. I want to see if I can still have fun. I don't think I can. Or at least not that kind of fun, but we'll see.

fact #124 : Jay Leno Masturbates.

2004-06-19T03:50:30Z

"So you like Jay Leno?"
"He's alright."
"Just remember....he masturbates."
"What?"
"Trust me man. The next time you watch Jay Leno remember he masturbates all the time."

Haha

Double face tape is so fucking up to no good. The last thing I need is to go to bed next to a roll of double faced tape. But for real that stuff is evil good fun! Ingenious dude!

I just realized I still need to pay for last semester. Isn't that dandy? OH man!!! fathers day is amazing! Bar BQ!!!! I so happy.

I'm quiting all those private entries...read it...why should I write things that personal anyway?

2004-06-17T22:06:14Z

Ok so i went to Primus last night with Vik and Santose
Penns Landing - Festival Pier
Amazing dude!
Not just the concert
the entire atmosphere
b.f bridge all cloaked in fog
the fireworks afterwards
Getting to hang out with Vik
the rain and the people
I had become this Introverted creature
Last night changed my mood
Maybe this year isn't going to fall out as much as I assumed
maybe it is and I'm just too blind up here on cloud nine
More rain is coming
I'm estimating another three four minutes before the thunder starts
grrrr....I love the rain!!!! I think I love thunder more!!!!
yep I do!
Vik is going on this huge road trip around the U.S.
I would kill to go on a trip like that

Right now I'm glad
glad that I'm not whoring around anymore
Not a single guy or girl on my plate
Just me and my summer reading list
/
I think I'm ready to have a real relationship now
like where you depend on one another
where you hold hands in public and it's not some kind of secret
But I'm going to wait...
People say being single isn't always great
but there's two kinds
the whore with five names and nameless guys
and the librarian who lives without flirting

I'm going to be the librarian for a while
I'm going to curl up with my books and enjoy the next month or so
let my head clear up a bit
and go from there
See if anything is still the same
see if anything is forgotten,
forgiven,
remembered,
or dead.
Or anyone for that matter.

Vik says he's going to write postcards to all of us stay-at-home travelers
I'm looking forward to getting them
haha like from utah...who goes to utah? and then I'll be sitting on the porch reading a postcard from Utah like it's normal...haha I'm too excited

Aimee Mann is going to be at the TLA next week. I think I might talk Dena into going with me. I really want to go but nobody likes her music :( bummer. Maybe Meredith will go.
Tara wants to go to the fez tomorrow but I forgot to buy tickets and I'm poor and don't feel like putting anymore purchases on my credit card, cause I know I won't have the money when I need it.

OH an the rain seems to have disappeared...and the sun is now peeking out...that makes me tear like for real, not box at all....man out and smash it into fucking pieces!!!!

I need to buy the Primus cd and the Avail cd that I lost...it's such a bummer but whateva

thinking out loud

2004-06-16T18:27:21Z

Penns Landing in the pouring rain.
It was just what I needed.
The rain water mixed with the chlorine
and my tears.
It's like all my past regressions
pouring out of me
this chic, little miss lady,
tells me it's because I repress my emotions
I've hit the point where I can't control them
So now they've taken control of me.
I cry at a blister
I break windows because it's sunny
I laugh at stop signs
I'm psyco -

Little Miss Lady wants me to write letters to people
four letters, four reasons, four people
That's hard
Honesty is hard
but who doesn't know that already
I've stopped writing all together
I gave up
nothing inspires me anymore
I have no reason to write, or do anything anymore
I stopped going to my classes, I've missed two already
Maybe I"ll get back on track
Maybe that's what I really want
I've stopped drinking
smoking
dating
I don't go out at all anymore
emails are as far as it goes
beyond the party at Merediths
I was only there for one purpose
I feel as though I'm falling
like I've hit rock bottom; the ground beneath me is falling
Miss Lady thinks she's so smart
She thinks writing letters makes things better
but then you just worry about how the people
respond to the hard, straight truth
I'm not sending them.
Just writing them
I don't even know the addresses for most of them

Miss lady just wanted me to write them so I would see the truth for myself
LIke it was hiding from me even though I was the only one who knew what the truth was
it worked
She is smart, little Miss Lady
Or She's got the right instructions
I wrote a letter to Eileen...she came first because it was easy because the truth wasn't the hard
I should have saved her for last because now that I'm opened up I feel like I could write letters to everyone in my life and still that wouldn't be enough
It's scary...like the truth is about to attack me from inside
I don't know who else to write to
I don't know who else cares
who I care about
besides my siblings I'm at a loss
I could write to christina, but that letter would never end
I could write to Timmy, but we haven't spoke in almost 7months, why go back?
MAybe Dena, or better Angela...now that would just be opening old wounds
I want to just forget all the people I've fucked over
I don't want to write letters that are going to show how ugly I am
Maybe I won't
To hell with Miss Lady and her smart instruction booklet
I don't want to share
I need a vail that will cover my face
the more mysterious you look, the less approachable you become
"Thank You For Not Sharing"

Mer is getting her Tonsils out today
Primus is Tonight
It's raining

well it's not raining anymore

I'm traveling like I promised only not with those promised

2004-05-20T20:28:05Z

My life has been crazy the past while...
I'm totally ignoring the bad in this post because it still really gets me at a bad angle.

Recap of my summer travels so far:

Rhode Island last week. Fun time. Met some cool people who lost their R's.....I called this girl Tayla for the week, but her name is Taylor. She told me it was Tayla. ...or she's from Rhode Island! Beautiful weather up there! And the people are all so friendly.

Virginia the week before - That was boring but gorgeous. I was in the really upper class parts.

I got back from Baltimore last night around 8. I didn't see much of Maryland, nor did I want to, but they have this up-scale supermarket called Eddies, (kinda like Weis only nicer) that has the most delicious fresh baked, oatmeal raisin cookies!!! (only 6 bucks for a dozen! sarcasm)

Unforgettable Semester:

January & February was off to a slow start but I had that adorable Mr, who's no longer with me to keep it going. I was sick most of the time but I found time to have an awesome birthday party thrown by my awesome friends Leah, Kristin, and Christina.
My new roommate, Gina, who rocks!!!! or did rock and still does only she isn't my roommate anymore cause it's summer.

And then March was the main Bad Angle so shhhh on March.

April -
- Strike Anywhere concert at the Knitting Factory and spending my first time in NY with Mer!! and chillin with Vik for a little!
- Mer and I deciding there should be streams seperating traffic on all major highways. "Dude when I die I wanna go like that!"
- Nitch playing in the MPR...hot hot hot
- hehe - Easy-pass passing on the Jersey Turnpike! NY to North Philly in an hour and 40 minutes!!!
- Glass throwing with Mer onto the freeway. Don't worry no cars were seriously injured during these events.
- Jay and I got to know eachother. Well I got to find out alot about who he really is opposed to the person I thought he was when we were just sorta friends. He's a cool guy. Just not the guy I can share things with or really want to be my right hand -sorry.

May -
- Bouncing Souls and Avail on the 12th with Mer and Joe. Met this dude who's worth mentioning only I forget his name.
-Finding out that there is more than one bar on south street with a back door that doesn't card...there's actually 3! Not that I was drinking.
-MMM - I have to remember to get back to the Hard Bean Cafe...that place is box.
-Haha the text messages I recieved from patrick while I was in Rhode Island!!!! haha gotta love that kid and his timing....picture waking up on this god awful bed from this god awful dream to see that you've got 4 messages on your phone from the guy you're obsessing over at 4:30 in the morning only to find out that he's writing to tell you what a whore you are....hahaha no it wasn't that nice! and while I'm remembering that I should make a mental note not to ever follow Meredith to Royersford again. hahaha oh man I laugh but I'm crying inside I swear I am.
-the phone call from Patrick Coryel the same day Partick text messaged me...."Hi this is Patrick can I...." "What do you want Patrick I really don't have the energy to talk.... Oh Mr. Croyel from the INhuman Society (the representative for the company interested in giving me a writing scholarship) How are you doing?" hahahaha I'm an asshole!!
- losing my voice with a line out the door - each individual waiting to have a full conversation with the representative.aka me. hahaha I'm an asshole!!!
no bad angels!
-
For now I'm just waiting around to get more paid from my last dropoff and for my voice to come back. I have work at annenberg this weekend so I'll be in the area.
My Dad's in the Hospital for the next week...it's got me all nervous but he says he's ok. Only it's a serious surgery and I hate watching my Dad dwindle away so much. He's gone from Same Ole Dad to Old Foagie so quickly. I saw it happen in just a couple months. But I said I wasn't going to bring up the Bad Angles remember?
My Sisters 21st Birthday is June 7th and I have to plan something for her. Hopefully it will be a good day for her. She deserves it. I heart her!

Upcoming events:

-Ben Folds opens for guster I believe in mid July!!!
-The Roots and 311!!!!
-Primus June 16th? perhaps.
-Liberty, Art, & Culture seminar at Bryn Mawr College on July 17-23.
-I start tennis june 28th :( if I decide to go back to that hell of a summer job. I might just work for Annenberg and travel all summer instead of just May and June. That would be awesome. I may even go to California for a week or two and hit up my aunt and uncle, maybe proposition a babysitting fiesta to get some cash money. I'll be planning at least one weekend to go to the shore - Ocean City most likely. And the mountain house of my aunts is empty all summer . It's half way between here and long island so I might throw a get together just to see some of the new yorkers that I miss so much already and Mer and I will rock it- but I digress.
-Reading Phillies game the night of the 23rd for Christina's birthday perhaps...I haven't spoken with her in quite a while. It may no longer be on the table.
-Hershey Park with Nate and co.
-Dena and I need to recap...I miss her thiiis much still.

Other than that the book is well it's an open one.

Don't bounce so hi...or you'll get lost

2004-04-16T06:58:48Z

This poem means alot to me and I totally wrote it as an apology eventhough I know that it isn't enough. So please be considerate.

He Wants a Blockbuster

I am no feature film
Able to be rewound & paused;
fast forward and my colors would wear; our time together
becoming nothing but a beautiful chaos of sunset,
rainbowed through the stain-glass window of my mind.
My life’s still trapped on this screen that follows me through
scene to scene.
Too fast you’re reeling me in. I lose track of the autumns;
Winters pass by like action packed fight scenes:
blazing fires, screeching tires, no safety nets.
You forget our relationship, as screenwriter to director, is still PG.
Out of sequence scenes tangle the theme and the moral fails
to impact our mindless hearts, when in reality they’d crash.
Dear Patrick,
I cannot be rewritten, rewound, recast.
Remember that our memories were live –
no retakes, no costumes, no plagiarized
emotions.
Please, don’t edit our past,
Just to fit the sound track

'Some for that' I stole the basics, more or less, from my friend jay...an awesome poet and freestyle artist! And it was an assignment more than anything so tear away at this crap piece.

Some For That

I hug girls and hold tight while they shake
Fast. They kiss their hips, curve lips and
catch my eye. They catch sharp vibes
They swing soft. Lashes that bite like dogs.
(sharp they fight and aim for the throat)
Tough leather smoothed skin – they’re red hot

Wanting to cool they’ll surprise even you.
“Hey boy! Watch this!” They turn and tease
hair sways, swoops-jives-grooves to the beat.
They sweep the floor silk like lingerie
Keep it real, move your feet, know how
when you feel – feel hard – hear bass signal drum

Your heal, her toe, One two, Two one
‘Cause Mackin is art – all body, no heart.
Call out her game, like rocks throw shame
Don’t be proud – girls live in plastic clouds
Thinking she isn’t ruined – she’s got you to bruise
You rock the beat boy! You be the thug!

the decade to be me

2004-04-14T06:39:31Z

anything I don't regret I don't ever do
but i've never regreted anything like you
I miss you so much
and I feel stupid letting people know I'm weak
but there's no way I'm going to make it over you without being dragged
I hate myself every night
and I haven't slept in weeks all I do is lie there miserable
and that's the only thing I deserve
I'm so sorry I hurt you
and I want you back so you can hurt me to

Mulligan

2004-03-27T09:00:21Z

I'd do it right
That's what I thought
(A second chance)
Until I caught
* - one yesterday

I saw
My future, bet
dipped in regret
like pawns to chips

Advice - taken
from the statistician
and the odd man's premonition

No- I want to deal
The perfect hand,
for you
to understand
there's more than one
Oh,
the fool can play.
But would she care to stay
Forbid it be some other day?
Watch the die drop from your fist
your breathe grows limp
just like your wrist
We threw it all to fate -
But who prays to her these days?
Your deck, your rules, your life
My turn.

leftoverluck @ 2004-03-24T01:31:00

2004-03-24T06:42:51Z

I'm really drunk right now and so is my roommate gina...its cool she's on the phone with ben...I don't have anyone to be on the phone with.
I wish I had a phone friend. Shit if I had a friend..I mean a real friend...I'd treat them like gold right now, gold meaning I'd spend them real fast. My calada ring has been found!!! I love it. I don't love much but I love that ring. My room mate, Gina has an identical ring, which is odd cuz my daddy(it's his birthday today!) told me it was an original from Ireland back when i was a gullable little girl. The spelling on this thing sucks but I don't really give a shit. Everyone hates me and I'm sad because being hated sucks and I thought I was the only one with that ring. But drinking makes me realize that and it also makes me not care as much about it. that doesn't make much sense but i've gone from not drinking to being a drunkn way too fast...no i get stoned much more than i drink...there's a difference. wow this is such bullshit. I'm leaving now bye

leftoverluck @ 2004-02-24T16:33:00

2004-02-24T22:06:28Z

See what drug you are.

Liz, thanks for the quiz I stole.

I'm cold and it's snowing!
And gina keeps screaming into her phone " Frankly, they can go fuck themselves. You know what Pat you have to cut out all the bad people in your life. They can go fuck themselves. I'm not saying they're all bad, but they can go fuck themselves."

and my suitemate yamarias is blasting that song Baby if you give it to me...I have that ring on my cell phone. It rocks! A little bit anyway.

I'm drinking Ice tea that was water until I fixed it.
My mints aren't poison but that's what it says on the lid.
My fingers are icebergs.
Gina keeps screaming for pat to grow up...I don't ever wanna grow up. Her conversation is depressing me.
Dena is the shizzit and I miss her THHHHHHHHHHHHHIIIIIIIIIISSSS much.
I said that to Grant and he got freaked out.
It's all good I'm going to get under the covers and warm up because it's cold as can be.

Bye bye

Life is murderous

2004-02-22T05:54:18Z

Life eventually becomes death- we're all murderers by nature so what's the big deal?

My brithday went off without a hitch. Lots of giggles and girlie vibes.
As week go I'll keep this one close
Friends walked along in time with the beat
Foes walked on - tone deaf. No, remixed.
Cheaters weren't rewound but I saw them coming
as if repeating the same old song
Picture them all at once
each one dancing differently to identical beats
Confident in my choices
I'm moving on

This week :

2004-02-14T06:36:11Z

This week was so crazy.
Monday I got a letter handed to me personally (from RA Dave) saying that I had 24 hours to come up with just under 7 grand.
I had no idea where to get help or what to do. I cried because I hate Penn State but I love college. I know that if I leave now I'm never going back. It's a once in a century oppurtunity. I'm too young to worry about college in ten more years.
So I skipped class and drank for the first time with Christina, Matt, Grant, Kim, and Kristin. Totally awesome crew. But that class was an important one and I need to do well this semester considering last Decembers events I refer to as my Mulligan. (Only it wasn't thrown away -it just kind of sits there all pathetic and obvious)
Tuesday morning rolls around and I still haven't gone to sleep. It's 6:30 already so I hang in and piss off my sleep cycle. Get down to the Library, finish a paper for creative writing, research my obnoxiously broad compsci topic and stare at the poor kids trudging over to Franco for an 8am language class. Ask me again why I speak no Spanish.
After Creative Writing I return my Nana's phone call from earlier to get the nitty gritty on my families 'situation' as she so inventively labeled it. Apparently my father kicked my brother out of the house after a bloody screaming/throwing match. My father's sister(my aunt) bitched out my mother for being a bad influence and not having her shit together. And my father 'cut off ties with my aunt after my mother (who "left" my father fifty times so far) goes to him and cries about how Colleen is horrible and had no right to say what she did. She had every right to say something. Bitch mom deserved it. Not that I think Kell should get away with his actions towards my dad, but my mom is fucked up.
After I got off the phone with Nana, looking forward to some much needed rest, I walked from Franco back to my dorm. As I walked into my hall my Aunt calls me. She spoke to Nana and thought I might be in trouble financially so she called the bursars office to check. Now she wants me to log into my account and pay 7 grand to PennState off of her credit card.
Alright stop....What kind of whackjob randomly has 7 grand on a credit card just lying around waiting to be wasted???
I had to go to my aunt, which was cool, aside from my fathers pride. She's got the money and it's like a loan with no interest. My dad sees it as me going to her because I'm on her side and against him. That's my dad. After I told him he wouldn't talk to me - well he cursed me out and probably would have beaten me had I been home...perk #1 to living in a dorm. A whole bunch of random occurs until 12ish, but no sleep. Around 12 I started to drink away my troubles all by myself. This was after the shitty ass phone calls from Patrick. He's turned into such an ass. He calls to hang up. He says 'hey' all sad and then says 'well if you don't having anything to say' in this mocking tone and then says 'I guess I should go'. So I rudely respond with 'fine bye' and hang up as fast as I can. What does he expect? I'm sick of him like mushroom pizza (they're both so early 90s acid rock depression minus the hallucinations and the sex).
So as I said I sat in my bed and drank alone...
No sleep, but not tired.
Wednesday - whoa my aunts heart starts doing something not right and she's rushed to the hospital. And I'm like shit! It's my fault because I got my dad mad at her when she's trying to help. It's not her fault she married a jew - and a bancruptcy lawyer - all in one.
But I'm in class Wednesdays from 2:30-5:20 and then I have another class at 6...the class I skipped on Monday. I get my test back - 90...eh.
Then I get out at 8:35 and go right back to my dorm to sleep. Nope. My rooomate is crying and three of her friends are consoling and watching bachlorette at the same time. They finally leave and I fall asleep around 11.
Thursday I wake up and shower around 10 and just make it to my creative writing class at Franco by 12:15. After that I went to tullys ate and chatted it up with Christina, Nik, Jay and Jose...who's so cute. Then tried to catch up for my poets in america class but ended up skipping the class at 6:45. Instead I went to Leah's room and drank with the same crew minus kim and plus parker...who kicks ass!!! Leah's mom and sister came by and I couldn't pick myself up off the floor. The lack of sleep that week and the surplus of rum was too much for me to handle at that moment. Her mom was cool though. I went back to my room around 1am and Gina was awake which was cool because I didn't worry about waking her. I went online and my sister told me....
My dad was rushed to the hospital and has a severe liver problem. I started to cry and called Patrick for support but he hates my dad and he was too busy not caring about me because in all honesty I am a terrible friend. So I talked on the phone with this random kid Daniel who's coming up on Tuesday to fuck. But I was way drunk and he just kept talking while Gina and I watched a movie about highschool kids...it was a good movie and you'd know the name but I can't remember it now. I fell asleep around 2:30 and slept until 7:30 and then went to take my Test all gross and unshowered and still a little buzzedish, but not hungover. Then I called my Nana and cried about my dad...which is something I've never done before. Now I want to avoid my Nana because it was beyond awkward. Good thing Nana's in Florida until April.
After my test which Leah kept fucking interupting because she has a problem doing her own work, I found out she and Christina were skipping compsci and so were matt and mike. Which meant I was left sitting in the corner by myself right in front of the entire hockey team...INCLUDING JUSTIN...fuck you!
Worse was when Justin had to give his presentation because the lack of attendence left the first two rows open aside from ME -just me!!! Oh how I love Christina and Leah right now. So we kept making eye contact which sucked. But his presentation went well so yay for him.
I also got a rose from Meredith and a hug from Nik and met his cutiepie girlfriend who is going to be my best friend by Monday because she's so cool.
Then my sister and my brothers came to pick me up and I watched 8mile while I waited.
Home at last I'm going to go finish 8mile and go to bed.

Oh Yeah, Happy Valetines Day.

I need yoga to release my inner brat

2004-02-05T05:26:27Z

Need someone
everyones taken - preoccupied and disguised
Talk sounded cheap
215; 610; 267; 570
Roaming
In search of more minutes and free advice
from fake tellers and automated machines
I'm alone in this cellar
with my self and my words
Answers come from wired ceilings and walls
and dissappear when I look for the ground
Answers of mine aren't leveled or square
They're jagged and fluffy
and float off to nowhere

Just to get under my skin.
Well good news mother fucker
...it worked.I don't want trouble any longer.
It's what you want
I will pine - where exactly did I get to
Shucks...I had such a crush.

Sick of the disgust thats always here
People act friendly until they turn queer
Hey there my buddy, my friend so I thought
Respond and held quilty, then tied in a knot
They live their lives which involve others too
But what they aren't saying is they were not true
In my memory and a cuddle that's all I've got left
I'm sick and I'm tired and you're proud of that theft
I wish you were here to talk to and remember
but if you come close I'll surely dismember
a box filled with gold and I want it to burn
You were my favorite, then I never returned
But that was a lie, You didn't forgive
When you said that you did
I'm sorry I lost you
I'm sorry you're mad
I will not ignore you
but I will let you go

leftoverluck @ 2004-01-25T23:31:00

2004-01-26T04:47:17Z

It's not snowing yet!!!!! ugh
I want it to snow so bad - I haven't done homework just to give it the full effect.
I'm working on this creative writing piece though and it's AWESOME in theory. The concept is so 'step back and rethink your life' radical - but I need to get the concept into the story without making it seem like bullshit. Dude! This is me...stoked!

This weekend went by so quickly. Big Fish was so much better than the previews and the previews rocked.
I don't have a way to get home :( but Felicia and Dena are supposed to be working on getting themselves up here to visit. Nice!! Only there's nothing to do up here.

My bitch of a roommate flunked out of school last semester and so Gina took her place. She's super sweet. The room is so much nicer without Aubrey. That's mean but true. *Poptarts! Am I supposed to take you seriously?
But it is alot nicer despite the broken heater...again.

I don't really have much to share but I'm procrastinating. I don't want to think about class tomorrow.

I'm giving up on Justin. He's never going to go for me and he's not really all that besides his sexy eyes, dark hair, 6'4, sparkling teeth, awesome taste in music, perfect age, lack of hockey skills eventhough he tries really hard, somebody hold me the fuck back! AHHhhhhhhhhhhhhhbbghbhb!

Hi. My name is Caeli. I like you more than I like granny smith.

2004-01-16T03:47:52Z

Hey there! Patrick walked me threw my viruses and they're all gone! Yay!!! Now I'm into classes again and I'm so super busy. But I love all my classes. I'm going to have to find another loan if I want to stay in college, But I might go to ccp over the summer for photography courses which would save me a lot of trouble. It will also give me the chance to save up some money and get rid of some debt before loading on 30 grand. I don't like thinking about money - it makes me feel a.) too grown up (which I sooo am not) and b.) like a total snob because worrying about money is shit. But I'm not going back to my parents - not even if I hit rock bottom again- I was wrong to burden them with all this junk in the first place and I feel like crap for being such a spoiled brat. Over all though, I'm happy - Genuinely happy - really not fakely. I'm happy. It's weird. I like how I'm all alone at the moment and I like being a naive person. I'm enjoying the way people are helping me with my problems - telling me where to go and what to do. I like not feeling lost anymore. This whole winter vacation I was so lost and confused and I didn't think I'd be going back to school I was so depressed because anyone who knows me knows that school is my life. But now I can do handle it! yay! I know what to do and how to take charge and I like this feeling of confidence, even though I'm totally inexperienced. I'm going to write my character sketch about a guy named milton who rubs his hands together when he gets nervous. Milton's a grandfather whose children and grandchildren deliberately ignore his existence. Only not all of them. His youngest daughter takes on the responsiblity of caring for him now that he's too old to do everyday things like wash the sheets and brush his dentures. However, his youngest daughter has issues of her own. Issue # 1: she's a martyr who hates her father and is only taking charge so that she can complain and rub it in that she's a saint. She's no saint. She doesn't even go to church - but she prays occassionally in front of her youngest son to look like a real mom - she doesn't realize that her other children resent her for trying to be a mom now that it's too late because all but one is grown up - she has never been a good mother and no matter how hard she tries she will never become one. The story will focus on the tension and relationship between Milton, his daughter and Milton's one granddaughter. Milton's grandaughter pities Milton to the point where she plots to murder her mother because of the way she treats and disrespects her own helpless father. Milton's granddaughter resents her mother - she knows that if she were to act that way towards her own parents she'd be beaten senseless - it's happened before for reason less compelling. So why is it that her mother can be so cruel to a man who has supported her and cared for her since she was born? She watches her grandfather try to help and get bitched at for being in the way. She watches him as he sits on the side of the bed too weak and feeble to stand as his daughter tears at his pride and humiliates him in front of his family. She feels his embarassment and sees how hurt he is and how old he is. Given that she must share a room with him and her two brothers she's heard him cry out at night and she's heard him whimpering in his bed and she can hear him as he tries so hard to keep from coughing in the night, terrified of waking his keeper, his beloved daughter. Milton's grand daughter weeps silently in the night with him and her cheeks turn the same shade of Irish red when he's sitting on the bed next to a broken glass getting chastized by her evil mother. Milton's granddaughter cherishes her family but watching these scenes everyday she grows more and more irrate and her fantasies of all the witty and sarcastic remarks she could say to shut her mother up are getting more and more irrational within her own mind. But she never gets involved and she never says anything about it because she's afraid of getting hit. Finally Milton's grand daughter snaps. Well that's my initial thought I'll fix it later.

leftoverluck @ 2003-12-23T13:37:00

2003-12-23T18:52:38Z

I got my password from christina barber - werd.
My grades have been posted. I did reasonably well- for a retard. I had the perfect schedule and went into finals week with four A's in progress. Mediocre that's all I had to do, if I had gotten b+/b's on my finals my A's were set in stone. Here's what went down: Nothing - well I broke out into hives and I had an attack of strepp throat with a complimentary scare of mono and a terrible headache(whining noted and not finished) I handed in two papers unproof-read and I didn't hand in another. I studied for Math in the passenger seat of a car while being driven to the exam without a calculator, and Poli Sci was studied for at Tully's next to barber herself- we were "eh fuck it" studying. Then I didn't get any money back for my books which is so uncool. I felt like bitching out the bookstore- rather I headed to my exam at Franco and then back to bed. No finishing my paper to shamefully hand in late - no productive packing or christmas shopping - nothing but a painful throat and sleep. It's all good - I'm threw with school because my 3.2 gpa isn't worth shit in the real world.
I got medicine on saturday and it's starting to take affect which rocks. So as soon as I'm finished here and my Pappo returns I'll be off to begin my family Christmas shopping! I'm so happy to be in a Christmas mood finally. I almost lost hope. But Julian and I are going to be so productive this afternoon and then I'll hang out with Patrick and my Christmas season will officially be in progress. Yay. I'm excited.

I think Tara is going to be the hardest to shop for - but my parents are difficult too. I'll hold of on parental gift decisions until Arat comes home tomorrow...For today's agenda we're focusing soley on Julian, Mushu Pork, Kell Max , Arat and Christmas cards for everyone else - - - dude I already got the perfect gift for Barber! I'm so excited eventhough it's not a pagoda t-shirt. Sorry Barber:(
Pappo's back and I'm off -
Merry Christmas!

whoa I'm feeling bad today

2003-12-03T05:50:56Z

If I tell you you'll judge me.
So I'll just walk away with my eyes towards the grass; the green, green, accepting grass. It's blades aren't like yours; And It has no eyes to look past mine. Our paths don't cross because I make it so. My refuge comes with solitude that you are high above. Above the ground you walk on - Above me and my loneliness. Above the attention I give you - Above the attention I long for from you.
Relapse? I think that's a good analysis of the above.

However, more dire to your knowledge of the strange and unpredictable ways of me:

I, Caeli Durkin, sister of Taralis, Maxwell and Julian Durkin; do swear on my own much desired death that The Gap hired me. I did not beg or plead or cry or cheat. They called me back on their own and offered me seven dollars an hour to fold and smile and listen to funky music (lately christmas music), while selling clothes and Gap cards and candles and coats with cell phone holders and ski clips(whatever that means).

On a tangential note:
I'm tired of being labeled the white girl from philly and the girl who likes other girls and the only virgin who isn't avidly religious up here at berks. I'm tired of being labeled. Fuck you all. You're fucking losers and I wouldn't even start to skim the surface of what's really bothering me righ now to you. I just need to say that you're ignorant. Ignorant for thinking you don't need me. Ignorant for passing judgement on me. Ignorant for believing I would trust you enough to let you see who I really am. I'm not naive - I'm an actress. I'm passing judgement on you because I've accepted my own ignorance. You've wasted the worst of you and thrown it out on me. You were cool people. I wasn't judging; Just flowing. Then you had to use me to make yourselves look better - shinier, newer, debonair and intellectual. Theologians! - all of you! You don't know me! So don't use me. I'm not yours. I'm not looking for someone to treat me like a child by tending to my rhudimentary needs and covering my ears when grown-up peoples are trying to hold a conversation.

If you must know, I am looking for the perfect solitude where I can disappear realistically and not lose what I've learned about reality. That is my quest point blank. The knowledge I've gained here is worth more a thousand lectures on civil rights and equal oppurtunity and much more important than anything I'd ever read or be taught in a class. At the risk of sounding like amos - Thank you Ignorance for showing me such blissful truth through your eager masses.

hmm any answers?

2003-10-19T18:03:04Z

Weird that this dream keeps reappearing
I don't know what to answer myself
So I walk away from it (myself)
nothing gets clearer
It's like I'm swimming under water
with my eyes to the ocean's floor
my body won't float to the surface
fish swim right through me
the seaweed holds me down
and the moonlight shines upon me from above the surface
I want to look at the moon and to peer out into the sky
but when I do looking down
I can see the sand
a starfish and a cracked seashells
I can see sharks in the distance
But I can't see what's above
I see the ocean's floor when I'm searching for the sky
so how is it I know I'm looking at all?

MACHOMER!!!! MACHOMER!!!! MACHOMER!!!

2003-10-14T03:35:30Z

MacHomer!!!! yay...Dude it's been too long. It's like an old friend coming home all over again! Ahhh man. What? February last he was here? Everyone has to go to annenberg this weekend and check out this one man act - MacBeth through the Simpsons...

I had the busiest weekend ever and what did I do? Nothing...I'm a 24/7er now it tastes nothing like chicken but I'm starting to see the connection. Just trying to fill my mind with everything it's lacking. Knowledge is key - to what? To EVERYTHING!
Colleen visited Christina - she's awesome - with a sweater that rocks and saucony sneakers too! Go her!
I'm going to Rancid in November with my brother - the madness! Never imagined that day.

I think I'm screwing up everything though - I keep making stupid mistakes in Math that are breaking down my total grade *ugh!*. World Lit. I didn't know we had a test and I messed it up major. I'm also failing Cinema in my mind anyway which might mean I have like a C - who knows. But I don't want a C in such an easy class!....I'm working too hard on my more challenging classes and not paying any attention to detail in my stupid classes....I need to fix that. Dude! I need to punch someone - or something!

I was talking about killing someone all weekend and then on Sunday a guy in the suite next to me died - I felt real bad - I still haven't gotten the whole story - not that I want to because it's too depressing.

I'll obviously be in philly this weekend to see MacHomer - so call me up and we can play ketsup -
so far I've promised Dena I'd hangout - probably South Street or New York Saturday
and I need to watch 'One Saturday Morning' with Julian
and I want to chill with Kell at the skatepark and
tara I'll sleep with haha (literally) haha Dude that sounds weird but I know what I mean.
I also have to stop by simpson and do some Frankford hopscotch other than that I'm free and looking for a good time so if you think you're going to be around call me up!
Maybe I'll call up Laura and check out HP Friday or soemthing...I heard it's gone into rebuilding phase - some people are bitter about that but awww man I remember being the little freshmen at HP awww now I'm all fuzzy inside. Hmmmm? If I didn't mention you it's because I'm too anxious to get back so yeah - man oh man I'm hating berks so much right now - I'll update later tonight with my Political Science rant that I've been working up in my head ever since our last class.

Subject: (optional)

2003-10-11T04:56:07Z

Try to find yourself
and the world swallows us all
You're going mad - the irony is that you didn't notice it before
I think I'm going to be sick
no, I'll just pick up the drawl
I don't want to support the theory
who am I to say it isn't real
what is real?
real is ficticious because it doesn't mean what I say
It means what I believe and I don't believe
not in this -
It's not a lost cause
it was never a cause at all
it was all in your head
I think you're going mad too
What did you think I was giving you the answer?

What - was that a prayer or did you just come on to me?

2003-10-07T04:37:19Z

So much so what?

I saw a shooting star this weekend! I was happy I didn't have to share. hehe really it was all mine! Nobody else saw it! NOBODY!!

I got an A on my paper in english and I was like WHAT.
They had chicken ceasar salad at Tullys and I was like WHAT.
Trisha said she talked to Christina and I was like WHAT.
A man broke his neck falling down stairs and I was like WHAT.
The comedian talked about white girls with black asses and I was like Yesshuh.
He went on and on about how guys were dogs and I was like WHAT.
I heard Ben Folds was working with Ben Kweller on an album called THE BENS and I was like WHAT!
The cKy tickets came in the mail and I was like WHAT.
Stephen Lynch was on Comedy central and I was like WHAT.
I got a phone call from Mike Callaghan and I was like WHO?..

haha that was all a big set up and I rock! Mike can rot with the best and I don't care! I'm not worrying! Simplicity!

Being over him I now have this random thing I got from an email:

Relationship woes: What pisses you off when you're in need of loving?"

Well this would be Christina, one of my closest friends who isn't talking to me because I'm an ass, a jerk and a jealous freak who can't accept the fact that Christina is more open and social and all around more fun than I am and therefore destined to make friends faster than I am. I ruined our friendship because I was upset about not being able to get anything I wanted out of this god forsaken campus while she was having the time of her life. This pisses me off.

When the first guy I've ever come close to loving tells me he thinks of me as nothing more than an acquaintance...doesn't even give me friendship staus..not even ex, nope just acquaintance - when I can still remember the night the first and only time said he loved me over the phone, the night of my prom that I thankfully didn't go to. I was falling asleep with the phone to my ear and he whispered it and I was too afraid to answer so I pretended to be falling asleep. When his hugs are the hugs I've compared every hug to ever since....and he thinks back on me as an acquaintance -probably the more honest term would be an annoyance - that doesn't just sting - that pisses me off.
When Mike Callaghan tells me hes all better and he's no longer drinking and I'm finally not afraid for my life when he's around just to find out that he's not sober he's switched - from alcohol to heroin - and now I'm afraid for HIS life. That pisses me off.
Not having the guts to say any of this to any of these people in person and knowing that even if I did it wouldn't make a difference and it would probably just make matters worse. This pisses me off.
Wow this made me realize that I shouldn't be allowed contact with other human beings - it's quite hazardous to my well being and IT PISSES ME OFF!

By the way it was Homecoming not Solitary Blue.

2003-10-04T04:37:26Z

I went to Target tonight! I could go there five times a day and there'd still be something to enjoy. This is what I really wanted to say:
I was walking back to penn state and I passed this little kid sitting in the back seat of an old broken down car - he was there too when I first walked by on my way into Target. He was about seven or eight and he gave me this adorable smile - and somehow I started thinking of a novel I read back in grade school by Cynthia Voigt (it was either Homecoming or Solitary Blue) but the mother left her children in the car and went into a store. The catch was she never came back and the kids had to fend for themselves.It was a heartbreaking story. I remember liking it at the time. But this little kid had been (for all I knew) in that car for at least an hour. I got so worked up and started to cry about this poor little boy who was sitting in that car all happy and his mother was abandoning him. I was really depressed about it and I couldn't let it go - I know - I know -I'm being irrational. I got back to my room and put all my stuff down and no one was around so I sat there sulking and being all melancholy for five minutes or so and then I decided to go back to the parking lot to check on the kid (it had been about half an hour or so) When I got there the car was gone.
And the girl was happy
but not really
I made it out of the parking lot okay and then at the manic intersection my mind started wandering and I saw the kid being kidnapped or just something bad had happened and now I'm worried - being crazy - but my eyes keep watering at the thought of this child and my chest is all heavy and I feel guilty - like I've lost all hope for peopl. Really this sucks. That poor little kid. I want to hug him and I really don't want him to feel rejected.

I don't know where these emotions came from but they're really powerful and if I stop typing I'm going to cry. What's the point? I won't get any sleep worrying about him. He could be this spoiled little brat with the perfect life for what it's worth- I was talking to an RA and he said I feel bad because this kid reminds me of the stereotype I have of hispanics being poor and having horrible childhoods- I know alot of people with bad childhoods, white, black, whatever - I don't think the stereotype theory is true - but I did understand where he was coming from seeing that Reading is mainly a Hispanic Ghetto and the kids I'm teaching either come from bad families or bilingual homes and don't know how to read or write at all in either language let alone tie their shoes. I wish I could do something to change their lives but I can't - I just like it alot when they smile at me - Oh Lordy I'm Stopping.....Now